So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
