Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
