3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
