Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
