who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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