So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
