The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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