that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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