We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
