I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
