i was born a porn star she said
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
