I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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