Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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