My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
