Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
