I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
