I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
