I can text with my tongue
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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