I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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