Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Please don't give away my fajitas
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