You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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