k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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