i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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