I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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