Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
