I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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