it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
