don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
