WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
