Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
