i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
