i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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