Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
