I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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