it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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