He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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