Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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