I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
