Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
