Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
