I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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