lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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