drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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