I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Best friends brother. Beat that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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