there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
