I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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