I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
