I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
