did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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