I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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