i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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