My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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